Writing About Writing About Running: The Fall-Out

Diederik v. H. in Central Park

COURAGE

Until I started doing it seriously it was hard to see running as an act of courage.  Then I learned from experience, and from watching others, that the solitary runner at the starting line of a race is exposing himself or herself.  Regardless of distance and pace, it is just you, embracing the challenge from yourself for the world to see, without the comfort of a team or a coach.  It takes something to be there and give it your all, in public.  It may be courage.

When I once ran with ultra-marathon champ Dean Karnazes, he told me that he loves running with others -- often admiring strangers -- because the fellow runner is as 'naked’ and vulnerable as he or she will ever be.  Dean enjoys connecting with people in those moments, when all pretense and natural defenses fall away in the struggle with pain, weather, exhaustion, and self-imposed limits (‘I can’t’).  That is pure courage, Dean told me.

VULNERABILITY

Another thing I didn’t realize until I did it was that writing a memoir creates a whole new realm of vulnerability.  I could have known, of course.  But experience is different.  In fact, writing about running, as I did in my first book, The Running Dutchman, turns out to be like a 50K.  Not that it’s necessarily too much.  But definitely a lot.  A lot of exposing and vulnerability, meaning you can easily get shot down, or lifted up, or both.

NUSport, a pre-eminent sports magazine in the Netherlands, reviewed my book, which was published in Dutch as De rennende Hollander. I occasionally write for NUSport and I was glad to see that my status as a contributor did not keep the reviewer from saying what he really thought!

Kind words from Runner's World

The good news: he gave me a 7 out of 10. The less pleasant news: the book should been 80 pages shorter (perhaps), my editor should have been tougher (true), too many errors made it into print (shamefully: yes), and some personal anecdotes were dreadfully boring (what can I say?).

Before all of this could depress me, the review concluded by saying that the author is a pretty fast runner for an aging former smoker, and a compelling writer. The Dutch edition of Runner’s World had earlier described my love for running as infectious and simply recommend the book.

The trick has been to not take any of it too seriously.  Both criticism and compliments can be meaningful - but it’s also true that both usually say a lot about the person expressing the views. A negative response should not bring me down, just as I cannot let a public DNF (Did Not Finish, or Did Nothing Fatal) --like the NYC Half in 2010-- devastate me.  A kind word about the book is nice, as is a PR, but neither should go to my head.

PUSHING THE LIMITS

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.  T.S. Eliot

As time passes since the book’s publication last fall, I also realize more and more that I am far from the only one impacted by the book.  Other characters show up by first name (like Eric, my best friend / doctor), role in my existence (like Mom, or sisters), or anonomously (when I sensed that an ex-lover might not be pleased by her appearance in my abbreviated life story).

Nobody has really complained. But some commentary has been unspoken.  One of my sisters, a voracious reader, never said a word about the book, which I gave her with a personal message inscribed.

My poor dear parents have both been very supportive, even though I treat some elements of my childhood not so kindly.  I dedicated the book to them. I meant that; I love them and I am grateful.  But I also think it made them less inclined to take offense.  Nice pre-emptive move, I say.

Many of my parents’ friends and distant relatives -- gently and not so gently pushed by my parents / personal PR agents to buy the book, now! -- have expressed kind words.  Some have been surprised.  One of them wrote me a nice hand-written letter, a gift of a former time amidst the piles of direct mail and email that buries us nowadays.  She said she learned a lot about my folks, and about me.  'There were elements I’m not sure I wanted to know,' she added. ‘I wondered why they were there.’



Writer About Writer About Running Completes Caumsett Park 50K

It’s a question I sometimes ask myself I find myself at the starting line of a 50K or a 5K: what am I doing here?  I suppose it’s the sense that doubts and fears can be shaken off.  That limits need to be pushed. Whether that is courage or stupidity, or a little bit of both, remains an open question.

Diederik v. H.